


Cracked’s Top Five (Weirdest) Companies to Work For

by Nemi_Thine



Series: Agendas [1]
Category: Gargoyles (TV), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Complete, Crossover, Evil photo manip, F/M, Gen, I put a surprisingly large amount of thought into this, I'm taking canon timelines VERY seriously, Other, Pictures, Thailog has been altered, This is a fusion, cracked - Freeform, mentions of a sex tape, not crack, xover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 10:46:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5087725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nemi_Thine/pseuds/Nemi_Thine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A funny introduction to a crossover that I've been thinking about for a rather long time.</p><p>This is simply a fic in the style of an in universe Cracked article, and it stands well enough on its own.</p><p>Hopefully I'll write the rest of this full fusion/crossover, which would take place prior to the publishing of this article.</p><p>Yes, the tags say Demona/Thailog, yes it is a pairing.  Yes, I'm aware of what a creep Thailog was.  He was meddled with/altered magically to mediate any damage from, well, being a force grown and educated clone.</p><p>They are currently seeing a gargoyle mediator/shaman from another clan, as she doesn't trust humans.  The mediator is, with permission, conferring with a human psychiatrist and anthropologist.  Demona and Angela are also seeing the same one sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Five, Four, Three

**Author's Note:**

> Cracked format used without permission. Pictures used without permission. Other intellectual property used without permission. Covered by Fair Use laws.

Cracked’s Top Five (Weirdest) Companies to Work For:

**#5. The Government**

Usually we’d want to put this at number one, but DC is outclassed. They still make the list, however, with the NDA’s, the byzantine branches, they have been known to experiment on employees, but they have also been known to give employees supersuits. They can control how much your money is worth, they can control the world like some sort of esoteric illuminati organization trying to protect themselves from some sort of esoteric illuminati organization.

(Do Not Fear, For We Will Guide You)

To that end, they want references from your childhood to prove you are who you say you are.

And despite all this, a man can still get past the screening process to become a IᗺℲ angel.

(Probably Possibly Actually Happened)

 

**#4. AIM**

Advanced Idea Mechanics: a think-tank founded in 1999. Hurting for sponsors, they, through dogged determination, managed to hang on and start horning in on the turf of some of our front runners. 

(We’re misleading you. AIM is not Hydra.)

These guys work with veterans, shitty six million dollar man reboot style. Genetic modification: you’ll get the use of your legs back, but you also might explode as you start burning up the n-dimensional matter structure of your body that is normally not perceived.

(Basically where all the green comes from. Not Pictured: The intern who’s alive because he didn’t have to get a picture of the real Hulk)

They got into a slap fight with Stark a while back, not that there’s anything wrong or terrorist-like about that.

(Trial on AIM’s alleged terrorism)

They also manage some surprisingly chic hazmat suit uniforms.

(Swanky Hazmat Suits)

**#3. Nightstone Unlimited**

Founded in Paris, with headquarters in New York, there used to be a strict employee curfew. However, with the legislation for Gargoyle rights, it has been revealed that Alexander Thailog is actually a Gargoyle. His wife, (married in a private night-time ceremony) Dominique Destine, seems to be fully human, her disappearances at night are easily explained by hubby waking up.

(From the leaked sex tape)

They specialize in genetic research, which is probably explained by hubby waking up. Their excellent coffee is probably explained by their genetic research.


	2. Two, One

**#2. Stark Industries**

Who are we kidding? This entry isn’t about Stark Industries, which is awesome since they invented Sci-fi blasters and anti-gravity a few decades ago, even if they’re still too expensive, it’s about Tony Stark.

Former Glorious Bringer of Freedom, currently Metal Plated Bringer of Freedom.

(Note the increased personal responsibility and decreased terrorists with WMDs)

(Please don't sue. _Cracked_ content is covered by parody law and we are poor.)

In ~~all~~ greater seriousness, Stark recently followed the psychic advice of put-upon women and secretaries everywhere and put his secretary/PA in the CEO seat. Pepper Potts is _amazing_ , and we’re not (just) objectifying her; a poll of the office reveals that most of us here at _Cracked_ think she’s the Tony Stark of paperwork and management and finance, and we will happily vote for our new red-headed overlord.

_ _

 

(She and Destine can beat me like a drum any time. Rawr.)

She, however, probably has not found all the hidden stripper poles Mr. Stark installed.

(Actual picture actually from inside of Mr. Stark’s actual private jet.)

There are mandatory Pizza Fridays, voices that talk to you from the ceiling, robots who wander around the building, an awesome benefits package, and awesome pay.

And Iron Man as your ~~personal lord and superhero savior~~ boss.

 

 

**#1. Xanatos Enterprises**

My second straight exception (who shares my taste in redheads) who ages like my first straight exception.

(Notice me Sempai!)

(And here’s his wife. Good thing she’s not in prison anymore or I’d be committing crimes.)

These guys have been on top of the transhumanist game since they bought Sealand so they could experiment in international waters. However, in the name of ‘transparency’ and not creeping people out, inspectors from England and America are often invited over to make sure they are adhering to OSHA and civil rights regulations. Oh, and no one is allowed to stay there for more than three months at a time. No furry brainwashing cults on that boat, no siree.

(Aerial pictures are now tightly controlled by flying cat people, here’s Sealand before Xanatos bought it.) 

Saving lives, changing lives, it’s all the same to the gene therapy branch of Xanatos Enterprises. Instead of maybe exploding like with AIM, you might come out of the treatment furry and fanged.

But the man doesn’t stop there, oh no.  Ever since Xanatos got married he’s had a more leftist bent for civil rights and has become one of the leading voices in America for Gargoyle (and mutate) rights and citizenship. Which is only natural, as he’s the one who figured out how to wake the Scottish gargoyles up from their extended stone hibernation.

(A rare picture from how it all started.) 

Speaking of Gargoyles, yes, they live in the castle, and the nightcare (like a daycare, but at night) is run by this cute globe-trotting Gargoyle couple:

(Nice Guys Finish First.)

There are three main ways into Xanatos Enterprises: be headhunted right out of high school, where they lure you in with exquisite and generous offers of financial aid for college; be working for a company that they have bought; or finish the four hundred page application and send it in.

In all of those cases you have to sign the world’s largest known NDA and a hella complete (and surprisingly fair) loyalty oath.

(Cthulhuic, sorry, ‘eldritch’ runes available upon request.) 

In return? Awesome benefits, great pay, great tech support, maybe seeing Gargoyles, maybe seeing that flying metal suit and robots Xanatos has had since the 90s, and mandatory RPG training.

(No, the other kind.) 

They’re flexible with that last bit: you can use particle accelerator guns or other sorts of toys that I'm not allowed to tell you about. We can’t even blame him considering some of the bullshit corporate espionage that he’s had to deal with.

And weren’t we all glad for it when the Chitauri came down? Seriously, every Xanatos building in the city had armed defenders, and the major ones had Star Trek shields deployed the moment the sky opened up. At least two space-whales got baited into faceplanting into Eyrie One’s shields by a brightly-colored flying laser platform, and the entire family was out in force in their flying mecha suits, punching Chitauri in the face. Afterwards, the families of employees were invited to move in until the situation was confirmed as stabilized, food and other supplies were provided to the surrounding neighbourhoods from the kitchens and indoor hydroponics gardens, and at night the Gargoyles got in on the search and rescue. No one knows why the Xanatoses were prepared to withstand at least a week-long siege, but they were.

(I for one welcome our new apparently incredibly paranoid hottie overlords)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honorable mention to Cyberbiotics and their fucking flying fortress headquarters, but they basically work for the government themselves.


End file.
